“I’ll go to Target and just get one new lipstick!” I said to myself today.

HA HA HA, can you already guess the ending? Here’s a hint, in case not:

Ultimate shocker, I went into a Target meaning to buy one thing and I came out with three bags full of crap! NONE OF WHICH I NEEDED.

Let me go through all this crap and count the many ways I needed none of it.

Assorted Bowls and Dishes and Cups: My kitchen is not exactly huge, and I already have SO MANY plates, etc. None of them match and none of them are that fancy, and guess what? These don’t match anything I have and they’re not fancy either! I DIDN’T NEED THEM. All they’re gonna do is give me an excuse to let my many other dishes go unwashed and pile up and fester in my kitchen sink. “NOT GONNA WASH OUT A BOWL FOR MY CEREAL TODAY,” I can already predict myself thinking.

Also, I’m PRETTY SURE I have a wedding coming up, and we definitely have a registry at Bed Bath & Beyond, so why am I buying myself plates???

Whatever though, because basically the only things we registered for anyway are things like a 5 gallon drum of cheesy puffs and a Platinum Edition Criss Angel Magic Kit. Whoops.

Sparkly Gold Flats: Ostensibly, these are “for my wedding.” I have been looking for obnoxious sparkly gold shoes to wear because WHY NOT? My dress is long, so they’re not really gonna be on display, but it will amuse me (and almost 99% of the choices I make in life are based on the criteria “will this amuse me for at least a few minutes?”) And these were only $20, so ON THE SURFACE they don’t seem completely pointless.

EXCEPT WHEN YOU CONSIDER THE FACT THAT I HAVE ALREADY BOUGHT TWO OTHER PAIRS OF SPARKLY GOLD FLATS FOR THIS SAME PURPOSE. TWO. But every time I see a new pair in an unexpected place, I end up thinking “Maybe THESE are the perfect ones and if I don’t buy them RIGHT NOW my whole wedding with be completely 100% ruined!” and then I see how fast I can get my credit card out of my purse.

On the upside, maybe I’ll just give away gold flats as favors, since I have so many of them at this point.

Justin Bieber Valentines: I don’t think I need to elaborate on why 32 Justin Bieber valentines (with temporary tattoos) are an unnecessary purchase for a 24 year old woman.

Canned Tomatoes: Potentially the most useful thing I bought, since I actually do need them for the dinner I am theoretically making tonight, but there’s also a real solid chance that I’ll get too lazy to cook and will just end up getting a Cuban sandwich from the gas station down the street. I can eat it while I look at the unopened tomatoes and think about what a failure I am, I guess.

Black Cardigan: LIKE I DON’T ALREADY OWN 500 CARDIGANS. LIKE 250 OF THEM AREN’T BLACK CARDIGANS. LIKE I DON’T HAVE THREE OTHER LONG SLEEVE BLACK CARDIGANS THAT ARE LITERALLY INDISTINGUISHABLE FROM THIS ONE. Come on.

Two Lip Butters and a Lip Balm: For someone who has only convinced herself to wear lipstick out of the house about 12 times total in my life, I sure can talk myself into buying a lot of lip shit!! I guess even if worse comes to worst these ones can look forward to a long and fruitful life hanging out with ten million other useless and forgotten lipsticks in the bottom drawer of my bathroom cabinet.

HDMI Cable: This is the most practical, because I will use the fuck out of it, but it still feels kind of pointless. I have a lot of TV shows on my hard drive and it seriously grinds me to have to watch them on my tiny dumb laptop when I have an overly-huge TV directly in my line of vision.

So I will use this, absolutely, and I will enjoy the fuck out of seeing Downton Abbey on a huge-ass screen, but I mean, I still can’t bring myself to count this as any sort of “necessity.” That would just be obnoxious.

Naked 2 Palette: When I left Target, I figured, well fuck it, I already did this thing so let’s REALLY do it. There’s an Ulta right next door. If I’m going to flood my life with pointless material goods, I might as well REALLY flood it.

Plus, I had a coupon that I wanted to use. So IN A WAY, I was saving money, if you ignore the fact that I had to spend a lot of money to get that coupon in the first place. But I mean, I’m pretty sure that’s what people mean when they say “you gotta spend money to make money,” right?

ANYWAY. I already have the first Naked palette. I use exactly one color of it with any frequency. In NO CAPACITY did I need to spend money on something that is virtually identical for my purposes. But I DON’T CARE. I HAVE PASSED THE POINT OF GIVING A FUCK. BRING ALL THE REDUNDANT NEUTRAL EYESHADOWS TO ME, I WILL TAKE THEM IN AND LOVE THEM ALL.

To punish myself, I made myself go to the gym when I was done buying all this shit, so I could go think about my actions and how dumb they were. But it’s hard to run away from your bad life choices when you’re on a treadmill.

And then when I got in my car afterward, I found myself thinking “hey…….. I’ve never been to that frozen yogurt shop that’s across the street before.”

And you can probably guess how that ended, too. And if not, I will tell you: it ended with a lot of frozen yogurt shoved into my face. I wasn’t even hungry. But it was delicious.

Remember a couple months ago when I was like “Yeah I watched the first episode of Sherlock and it seemed pretty good! I think I’ll watch the rest of ‘em at some point”? All casual and whatever about it?

HA HA HE HE HO HO, how little did I know! I am literally ROBSESSED with it. Last month I rewatched the first episode with Charles, and then we watched the next two episodes of season one, AND THEN WE HELD EACH OTHER AND WEPT because it’s such a perfect tv show. Even Charles loves it and all he really likes is Sports Shouting With Skip Bayless And Some Other Jags and Marathons Of Top Gear For 10 Hours At A Time.

Thank the good lord that we waited so long to get into it, because we didn’t have to wait very long at all for the newest season. WHICH WAS UNBELIEVABLE, by the way. If you want to hear my summary of season two, it is one word: UNBELIEVABLE. I feel confident that everyone else can just stop making tv now, because Sherlock did it best.

THE CAST IS PERFECT. Benedict Cumberbatch is LITERALLY the perfect Sherlock, and Martin Freeman is basically my favorite human on the planet. And DON’T GET ME STARTED on how much I love Moriarty. Like, just don’t even get me started.

It’s FUNNY and CLEVER and TENSE and STYLISH and SUBTLE and the episodes are all an hour and a half AND THAT DOESN’T FEEL LIKE LONG ENOUGH. God help you if you try to get me to sit through a movie that’s longer than 45 minutes (which most tend to be), but for some reason when tv episodes are super long, I lose my shit with joy.

Also, are you supposed to relate to someone who describes themselves as a sociopath? I mean, I don’t relate in terms of being very clever (I’m not, I am possibly the least observant person alive), or particularly motivated to solve crimes or tall and brooding or any of that. But I DEFINITELY relate to thinking basically everyone and everything is dull and boring. Last night Charles and I had to wait for a bus for MORE THAN 2 MINUTES and I spent the whole time whining “I’m sooooooo bored, oh my god I hope we just DIE I am sooooo bored.”

I mean, in my case it’s because I have a short attention span, not because I’m a tortured genius, but, you know, still.

Also, there’s this:

Which I feel. The sentiment, the terrible scowling face, the multiple chins. I feel that pretty deep.

ANYWAY, my point is that it’s a perfect show and it’s hard to get out of bed in the morning knowing that I have to wait a Y E A R until I see new episodes. Which is bullshit. When people make perfect shows (like this one, or Boardwalk Empire, or Downton Abbey, OR BASICALLY ANYTHING that features a character with a war limp, apparently), they should at least have the decency to make a million episodes so I can see a new one every day. COME ON, it can’t be that hard.

Or another option is, maybe I could find a doctor who will put me into a medically induced coma until the new episodes are ready? I might look into this.

HERE’S THE PROBLEM, THOUGH. I am obsessed with Sherlock in that I love the show and I want to rewatch the episodes forever until my heart gives out, but I am not Internet Obsessed with it. Like, have you guys ever heard of things like “Tumblr” and “fandom” and “Cumberbitches”? IF NOT, count yourself lucky!

I just wanna talk in a loud voice about how great the show and all its components are! I don’t wanna make weird fan art with a million Photoshop filters over a still of their shoes, or write fanfiction about Sherlock and John getting hitched and adopting babies and whatever. I don’t want to get involved in fan campaigns and GRAFFITI-ING SLOGANS IN PUBLIC PLACES, good lord. I have like, negative interest in watching fan videos of scenes where John and Sherlock gaze into each others eyes are spliced together while The Fray plays over it.

(Although I guess to be fair they do kind of gaze into each others eyes a lot).

Why is there no middle ground, internet? Why can’t a girl just love a tv show real loud without getting super weird with it? GOD, WHY AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN EVER DO ANYTHING RIGHT???

Besides the cast and crew of Sherlock, I mean, obviously.

When I got off the highway, I heard this song on the radio:

“Yeah,” I thought. “Blues Traveler always means it’s gonna be a good day.”

Then the car in front of me hit a squirrel that ran into the road.

I have never hit an animal in my car. I have hit several parked cars, but nothing living. I would like to keep it this way, ideally, if not forever then for as long as possible, because I have a PRETTY DELICATE PSYCHE.

This squirrel did not die immediately. He got it right in the shoulder area, which flattened out entirely. He spun around a little bit while horizontal, like a small and furry and terrible Moe from the Three Stooges. He started to gush a little bit.

The whole thing was gross, and not only that, it raised a Question.

WHAT IS THE ETIQUETTE THERE? I had time to swerve, and I did, because 8 years of driving experience has taught me pretty well that if it’s breathing, EVEN LABORIOUSLY, you steer away from it. But then I started thinking, should I have gone for it? The little dude obviously did not die immediately, but even as an untrained civilian with no particular rodent expertise, I could tell he was not long for this mortal plane.

So maybe I should have hit him? Tried to aim for his tiny suffering head??? It probably wouldn’t have made anything WORSE, and possibly could have just put him out of his misery. IS THAT THE KINDER THING? I don’t know. I don’t know much about anything when it comes to Big Life Issues like Euthanasia and Doing The Right Thing and Making Quick Judgment Calls, I guess.

But I’m still wondering if I behaved adequately and did right by this squirrel. I guess this exact scenario will probably never arise so I don’t know why I’m so focused on WHETHER I DID THE RIGHT THING!!! since I will probably never have to decide whether or not to mercy kill a squirrel again. Possibly I am just focusing way too much on hindsight and ethics and all those other big dumb things that gum up the mental processes and distract from important issues like “I wonder if 17 Again starring Zac Efron is on instant watch?”

IT’S ALL ONE BIG MYSTERY OF LIFE, I GUESS. WE DO THE BEST WE CAN AND HOPE IT WAS OKAY. And then we worry WAS IT OKAY??? WHO CAN TELL. No one’s keeping score, probably, but it still feels like it sometimes anyway.

Shitty Christmas for that squirrel, also.

I am in mourning, Internet. I am in mourning because I have lost my best friend. I watched the season finale of Boardwalk Empire this morning and I am feeling a whole fuckin’ shit ton of emotions. Like, the whole danged gamut of feelings that a person can feel. ALL OF THEM. I HAVE FELT THEM ALL.

First of all, WHAT IN THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MY TIME UNTIL NEXT SEPTEMBER? What’s even the point of shuffling along on this stupid mortal coil if I can’t watch a new episode every week? I fully anticipate experiencing a complete mental breakdown and picking up terrifying new hobbies like making miniature versions of the cast out of my own hair.

And — AND I AM GOING TO SPIT SOME SPOILERS HERE SO IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE FINALE PLEASE DON’T READ THIS OR IF YOU DO JUST DON’T HOLLER AT ME — not only did they take my favorite show away temporarily, THEY TOOK MY FAVORITE CHARACTER WITH THEM. PERMANENTLY. AS IN, THEY KILLED HIM.

Killed him until he was dead!!!

Like, ok, I get it. I “get” why you chose to kill Jimmy, guys (I am assuming the producers of Boardwalk Empire are avid readers of my brilliant blog). I understand it obliquely and theoretically the way I obliquely and theoretically understand that I probably shouldn’t eat a whole pizza in one sitting and that a pile of money doesn’t appear in my bedroom every morning. But THAT DOESN’T MEAN I HAVE TO LIKE IT. OR EVEN ACCEPT IT.

Jimmy was the best. Not least of all because of his face and his haircut and his look-at-me-I’m-not-wearing-a-shirt-again-ness. But EVEN REGARDLESS of how beautiful he was to look at, I just loved him. He was totally fucked up and not really nice very, but to be fair, that’s basically everyone on this show. At least he had a reallllll good reason to be fucked up and not always nice. What with the crazy mother and horrible father and war and shit and all of that.

But on the other hand, he totally COULD be nice too. He loved the SHIT out of Angela, and his kid, and even his mom in a horrible, emotionally-manipulated way that I don’t really want to talk about. He tried his best, god dang it! And he was protective and funny and kind of a badass with his brass knuckles knife, and he was Richard’s best friend in the whole world. HE WAS THE GREATEST. Even when he was being a schmuck he was still the greatest. #1 in my heart forever.

Like, basically they could have killed anyone else in the show and that would have been preferable to me. Kill Eli! Kill Manny! Kill Gillian! Kill Margaret (begrudgingly, because I think she rules)! Kill her weirdo son Teddy! Kill Nucky, even! KILL EM ALL JUST LET ME HAVE JIMMY!

(Actually don’t kill Richard, though, I love him to a degree that is on par with my love for Jimmy. NOT THAT IT EVEN MATTERS THOUGH since I assume grief for his boyfriend will kill him in the first episode of next season anyway, since he loved Jimmy possibly just as much as I did).

And THE LAST SHOTS. When he’s standing there, facing Nucky! When he says “I died in the trenches!” When he flashes back to the war! When he gurgles his last beautiful gurgle! MY HEART BROKE INTO A MILLION BLACK POISONOUS SHARDS, INTERNET. I WILL NEVER LOVE AGAIN.

I don’t know what to do with myself now. I assume I am going to have to start wearing black all the time (ha ha ha, start). I will walk around somber and with my head hung, for there can be no merriment now. NO MERRIMENT. To demonstrate the depth of my emotions I have compiled several gifs:

Woe betide unto all of us, Internet, cuz we are about to get into some dark dang days around here.

Like, can’t even play, even with all the junk that’s going on right now, the bulk of my attention in life is dedicated to sitting on my couch and wearing a snuggie and watching tv. This is not surprising. We all knew this is where my path through space and time was headed, okay?

So I’m already committed to watching about 90 hours of television a week as it is. Here are some thing I am watchin’ hard lately:

Basically Everything on Thursday night on NBC: Thursday night NBC is pretty much a staple in my life, even if my feelings on it are kind of on a slight downswing lately. Community is pretty dece, like I laugh when I watch it and stuff, but I’m not gonna get Feelings of the Bad Variety if I miss it. ON THE OTHER HAND, the world will literally end if I don’t watch Parks and Rec immediately as it airs. It’s a serious thing we have going on right now. I will refrain from making a list detailing everything I love about it, because you probably already know how great it is if you have eyes and an ear or two. It’s just perfect. I love it. They made a Gertrude Stein joke a couple weeks ago and I almost s’d in my pants laughing. Perfect.

It even puts me in a good enough mood to watch new episodes of The Office immediately afterward, which is pretty intense given how hard and fast it sucks lately. And that is coming from someone who defended it up until the last 2 episodes of last season when Michael Scott left and everything suddenly spontaneously combusted. Up until then, I DIDN’T HATE IT! I THOUGHT IT WAS STILL WORTHWHILE! And then everything went to shit right quick and I looked like the fool! THANKS FOR PLAYING ME, THE OFFICE. I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU. WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU.

And I’m not even gonna say anything about how painful Whitney is as a show, because it’s BENEATH ME.

Also I’m pretty sure at one point 30 Rock aired on Thursday nights but it was so long ago, who can even remember?

Modern Family: I actually did not start watching this show until this summer. Like, what? There were two seasons that apparently existed and I didn’t watch because no one even felt the need to tell me about them. And eventually I heard some Stuff about it, mostly Good Stuff, but whatever, I don’t know, I figured if it was worth watching I already would have done it, right? (WRONG.)

But for some reason I happened to watch a repeat this summer and I became ROBSESSED with it. Particularly with Phil and Luke because they are the best characters on the show and possibly on tv ever in all of history? It’s so good and if you think it’s bad you are w r o n g. That’s it that’s all.

American Horror Story: This show is weird? I don’t even know what else to say. It’s not GOOD, exactly, it’s smug and up its own ass and it makes total sense that it was done by the people who also did Glee and Nip/Tuck, which shouldn’t even MAKE sense. It spends 44 minutes a week trying to convince you that it’s ~sleek~ and ~stylistic~ when it’s really just campy and kind of dumb.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I watch it every frigging week. I can’t stop. So joke’s on me, I guess.

Boardwalk Empire: I CAN’T EVEN TALK ABOUT IT (well okay yes I can and now I will). It is literally the best thing that has ever been captured on film and then broadcast for public viewings, NOT EXAGGERATING EVEN SLIGHTLY. It is perfect. But you know what, even if it was a pile of garbage I would still watch it every day of my life, and do you know why? It’s because the cast is made up of a lot of my future boyfriends, ie: attractive dudes I like to think I will someday trick into dating me or at least acknowledging my existence.

Michael Pitt And His Haircut? The new Irish guy who’s name I don’t remember? Half Face Richard Harrow who apparently has a full face in real life and it is all beautiful??? I WILL MARRY YOU ALL. 3 DUDES 1 LADY, I DON’T EVEN CARE. It will be perfect. No one even really needs to talk that much, just let me touch your beautiful faces and/or heads of hair(s?) all day long. Looking forward to it, Sincerely Your Future Wife, Eva.

ANYWAY. Those are some things I’m watching lately. And yet IT DOESN’T FEEL LIKE ENOUGH! So I have been compiling a list of shows I’m going to try to start watching soon, because obviously I need to dedicate more time to that sort of thing.

Sherlock: Everyone seems to like the 2010 BBC Sherlock series, so I’m going to start watching it. And actually, between the time I started writing this blog entry and the time I got to this sentence, I watched the first episode on Netflix. There’s only like 3 episodes too, which is bummer city USA because I am REALLY into it so far. Martin Freeman and his disappearing limp! Benedict Cumberbash’s hilarious face and name! British sass and witticisms! WHAT’S NOT TO LIKE?

Game of Thrones: Oooookay I know, I probably should have been watching this already, but IN MY DEFENSE we don’t get HBO and I don’t think it’s on Netflix, and I don’t like to commit to watching TV episodes on my computer unless I know I REALLY LOVE them (ie: Boardwalk Empire). And also I had real noble intentions of reading the books first but I borrowed the first one from my dad about 4 months ago and haven’t even opened it once so HA HA HA GUESS THAT’S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

Anyway. I don’t know when I’ll actually get around to watching this, but I have High Hopes.

Breaking Bad: I feel like I don’t even need to explain why I want to watch this since everyone is ass over heels in love with it. All I can do is explain why I’m not already watching it already, and that is because when it first came out I felt like it was trying to usurp Mad Men, and that offended me deeply.

Now that Mad Men is basically a long-forgotten memory to me I don’t even remember WHY I felt like this, though, so my only CURRENT excuse is that obviously my schedule is full, too full of weekly tv shows I am dedicated too and writing up totally pointless 1000+ word blog entries about those shows. I simply haven’t had the time to Open My Heart to Jesse Pinkman yet.

Truly, my life is difficult.

Bullshit Ring Sizing

I bought this two-finger dachshund ring on ASOS a little while ago because a) it was on sale and b) I love stupid things with dachshunds on it. It’s genetic, alright, my mom has so much dachshund paraphernalia including a PIE SLICER and TOPIARY BUSH, so if anyone is to blame for this, it’s probably her.

So I bought this dumb ring, and the first qualm I had was when I realized ASOS only offered it in small, medium, and large, not actual ring sizes. But whatever, I know I have very small hands, so go with the small, makes sense. OR SO I THOUGHT. But when it came in the mail, of course it didn’t fit.

First of all, the two ring holes are the same size. I don’t know about you dudes, but none of my adjacent fingers are the same size.  The closest ones are my main and middle fingers AND THIS DUMBASS RING DOESN’T EVEN FIT ON THOSE. I have some tiny damn hands, and if your small is too small for them, IT’S TOO SMALL PERIOD. FULL STOP.

So it won’t fit on either of those fingers, and thus won’t fit on my middle and ring finger because my middle finger is still too big. TECHNICALLY I could wear it on my ring finger and pinkie, but it’s obviously way too big for my pinkie (BECAUSE IT’S NOT A PINKIE RING, SURPRISE), and anyway, that would look stupid even if it did fit.

So THANKS FOR NOTHING, ASOS ring sizers, now I have a real neat ring that can live a long full life shoved in the back of the drawer on my coffee table.

Door To Door Assholes

Lately we’ve been getting a lot of people coming to our door from some energy efficiency group. I’m not totally sure what their deal is, but they want to talk to us about our windows and our furnace and to see a copy of our gas bill. Which, okay. I get that these people just work for the company, they’re not the masterminds, but I AM NOT INTERESTED. I wasn’t interested the first time and I’m still not interested the 5th time.

I just want to sit in my living room in my underwear in peace and not have to drape myself in a Slanket to answer the door and tell them to go away for the 80th frigging time. And I probably could just not answer the door, but most of the time I have my blinds open so they can see me sitting there watching another episode of Say Yes to the Dress, so I can’t really pull off the whole “no one’s home” thing, at least not convincingly.

Plus, the last guy we got was really pushy. And again, I get it, your job. Cool. But if I’ve told you no, we’re still not interested, and I’m physically CLOSING THE DOOR, that is not an invitation to keep talking. And it’s ABSOLUTELY not an invitation to continue your pitch through my living room window. Go away forever.

PT Cruisers

I got cut off by like, four of these the other day. Why do people still have these? Do they know what year it is? I don’t feel like I have to elaborate on this.

The Ides of March

Dude, FUCK THIS MOVIE. Charles and I went to see it last weekend. I wanted to see Drive, but apparently it has been pulled from our theater, so as a consolation we picked a different movie featuring Ryan Gosling. I figured it would be pretty good.

And okay, it wasn’t a BAD movie. It was well done and all that. But it was also SO MISOGYNISTIC. Like, jaw-droppingly so, and I kind of expect everything to be steeped in misogyny these days.

I don’t know, I don’t want to go into a full-on rant about this, but two things for the record:

1) Shockingly, you ARE allowed to have female characters (even in political thrillers!!!) that DON’T fall into either the “doomed naive waif with no personality,” “hard-nosed bitch with no personality,” or “loving wife with no personality” archetypes. Based on the three female “characters” (and honestly, calling it three is being generous, since George Clooney’s wife was on screen for about 40 seconds total), I’m assuming no one involved in making the movie was told this.

2) If all of your main action that ~shapes the male characters~ is entirely driven by the misfortunes that befall one of your female non-characters, and yet that female remains totally undeveloped and is basically only there to be a pretty-looking catalyst for the men to smolder and scheme… YOU MIGHT BE A MISOGYNIST. Sorry, y’all. Still luv u, Ryan Gosling, but gotta spit truth on this one.

SO IN CONCLUSION I’m pretty over all of these things. So if you happen to be a misogynistic door to door ring sizer who drives a PT Cruiser, I don’t think we can be friends anymore. Sorry, bros.

So I guess I actually have to plan this thing now, huh?

I knew Charles had ordered the ring recently (because I picked it out, ha ha), but he totally faked me out and told me that it never showed up in the mail and he thought it might be lost and now he was involved in this whole dispute with the seller on Etsy who made it, and he didn’t know when he was going to get it if at all, blah blah blah. AND I TOTALLY BOUGHT IT.

On Friday, we decided to go to the county fair. It was a gorgeous day out and I was SO EXCITED to eat a corn dog. I just really, really love corn dogs. So we went and had a great time. However, I can’t ride 99% of fair rides because I get such bad motion sickness, so we decided to just go on the Ferris wheel before we went home.

So when we were sitting up at the top waiting for people to get on down below, Charles said “Oh hey, I lied to you,” and pulled out the ring and asked me to marry him! And then I criiiiiied (and said yes, obviously). Also, I got cinnamon sugar in my eyes when I was trying to wipe my face off because I had just ate an elephant ear. Go figure: covered in food even when getting proposed to.

Anyway, after we pulled it together we drove over to my parents’ house to tell them and have some champagne, and we called Charles’ family and some of our friends that night (and then drank some more champagne).

Basically it was perfect. I got to go to the fair, eat a whole bunch of junk food, and I get to marry the coolest dude in the entire world. Not sure how I got so lucky, but it rules.

Here are some pictures I took before the proposal (I was too shaky and cry-y to take any afterward):

Feeding some goats an ice cream cone full of feed

There were actually two Ferris wheels there, we were on the farther one, which was bigger and slower.

Pre-proposal, just really excited for fair food.

Charles, probably 30 seconds max before he proposed.

It is so perfect. I am going to go so, so broke.

That is what happened when Charles and I went on vacation with my parents in northern Michigan for a week earlier this month. I had an idea. And against my better judgement, I listened to that idea.

Here is what happened:

My parents and some family friends rented a house up on the Leelenau Peninsula, like we do most years. We usually go up to Cathead Bay, which is next to a state park. The houses on the bay are all on one long road, which goes along Lake Michigan for a couple miles. And behind the road are some woods, and then some decently sized sand dunes.

One night, for some reason, Charles went to bed at about 9:30. I stayed up because my parents had bought a whole bunch of nice beers, and that was taking up a lot of my time. Anyway, I guess Charles woke up the next day at around 5:30 a.m. feeling wide awake and ready to kick the world’s butt. I, on the other hand, slept until 11. When I finally got up, he told me that he had been thinking about watching the sun rise when he got up, but he’d have to climb up the dune, since the dunes were blocking the east coast of the peninsula.

DO YOU SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING?

For some incomprehensible reason I said “OH MY GOD THAT IS SUCH A GOOD IDEA!!! We should do that TOMORROW! Let’s wake up at 5:30 am on purpose and climb the dune to watch the sun rise!”

Does that sound sarcastic to you? IT SHOULD, because all of those words should tip you off to what a bad idea it is. And yet somehow I was completely sincere. This will be so romantic, I thought. ROMANTIC!!!

Here’s the thing: DUNES ARE HARD TO CLIMB. 5:30 IN THE MORNING IS REALLY EARLY. These are factors I failed to consider.

So we set the alarm the next day for 5 am, and then we slept through it, but we tried again the NEXT day and actually did get up to go see the sunrise. This is what it looked like:

DARK. IT WAS DARK.

Also, I know this will reveal my total wimpiness, but do you guys know what looks like bears or cougars in the very low light of pre-dawn? EVERYTHING. Everything looks like a bear when it’s 5:30 in the morning! It took us about 5 minutes to walk to the particular dune I wanted to climb, and in that 5 minutes I became 100% convinced that a bear was about to barrel out of the woods and eat me. I made my peace with death by bear.

Here’s the other thing. DUNES ARE MADE OF SAND. Do you know how hard it is to climb up a giant mound of sand? PRETTY HARD. I am in relatively good shape right now (relative for me, I mean, in that I don’t get out of breath walking to the bathroom most of the time), but half way up that stupid hill, I honestly thought I was going to pass out and die. My legs burned! My lungs burned! Everything was on fire!!! It sucked.

Here is Charles, struggling up that stupid wall of sand.

Eventually, though, and against all reason, we made it up to the top of the dune. Hooray! We did it!

Upon reach the top, I promptly sat down (surprise!)

And can you guess what we found when we got to the top of the dune?

1) You could barely even see the sun from the dune we climbed. This was the best view we got:

2) MOSQUITOES! HUNDREDS OF MOSQUITOES!

So I guess what I’m saying here is that between the asthma attack I thought I was having and the clouds of insects, this was not the romantic event I had imagined. We stayed on top of that dune for about 2 minutes, and then went home.

Although in the interest of full disclosure, running down it was just as much fun as climbing up it wasn’t.

By the time we got back to the road at the bottom of the dune, the sky was a lot lighter, so less things looked like bears, and my heart rate was slowly returning to normal-ish. It actually was not the worst time I’ve ever had, and I think Charles and I might have done something gross like hold hands on the walk back.

But not before we flicked off that stupid dune. Together. Two middle fingers, one shared hatred of that hunk of sand. One of us — who can remember who — said “so long, suck mountain.”

Actually, now that I’m writing this out, it was pretty romantic after all.